dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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