I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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