I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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