you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
