so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
