tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
