The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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