i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
