The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
