So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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