Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
