The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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