Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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