i already hear my dad disowning me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize