Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
