I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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