I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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