It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
