i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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