My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
