I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
