she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
