Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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