I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
