I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Please don't give away my fajitas
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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