You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
