I think I am morally bankrupt
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
