You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
