You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
