apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
