How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
