I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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