I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
