she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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