He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Enjoy the penises
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
