Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
