You can't motorboat a personality
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
