Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My cat gives me a boner
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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