I'm gonna have a badass scar
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
