i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
