you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
