I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
