I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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