Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
