Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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