Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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