Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am puke
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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