Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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