i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
