I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
