my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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