Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Randomize
