I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
