So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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