i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
