We're like a lot better than the average bears
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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