So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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